It has been some time since I blogged. In fact, it has been six whole months! In Dec. I got married and after that time flew by managing work and the rest of life. Today, I want to slow down a bit, after working the whole weekend. Breath deep. Not get involved in filthy things that tag along with professional life.
Yesterday, I did a very unusual thing. I wrote the most harsh mail to my Ph.D guide. Of course, there was a reason. And I felt free. As if, a huge burden was off my chest. My husband (Adwait) got his MS degree certificate and we decided to have chaat and stuff at this place which is a small shop. It felt so good to get in touch with a tension free, relaxed, simple life.. Happy. I felt free. I slept off with a smile on my face.
Other day, I was talking to one of my colleague. We are close. He is like a brother. I said, Adwait was asking me the other day, when will we get time to trek up Sahyadris and stand on one the peaks, facing lashing rain. To just stand there.. to wash off all unwanted masks that we put up, wash off all the anger, restlessness.. when? To feel the peace and content. My colleague smiled and said, I am married for last three years and have been away from home and wife for more than two years. And we will get Ph.D!! Wow! We both sighed.
I was going home in a bus. It began to rain. I thought, do I feel content? Have I found my 'drive'? Why do I remember standing under a tree planted in my grandfather's garden in this small village? And when I remember that, why does it suddenly feel peaceful? Many times, I feel that my husband and I just leave everything and move to a village. Leave Ph.D and go for farming? It is really unsettling to know that you hardly know anything about yourself, what you really want. And even more troubling is the fact that, whatever you say, you will be always a bit scared about uncertainty. The worst is, feeling of being lost.
It is easier, to gather yourself and collect these moments of content. To live in the present and nurture it. Give time to yourself.
Peace.
11 comments:
Nandini!!!!!!! Guess who's joined the dark side!!
I loved your blog, its something i struggle with all the time.. trying to find the right balance! I guess, in general, you can never lose focus and perspective about what you want in life and what you need to do in order to get it.competetion basically ruins everything in life. And ofcourse im a big sucker for 'do what u love' thing...
BUt hey!!!!! loved your blog.... rush to humblingfrodos.blogspot.com and gime a :D!!!
P.S: I am very VERY happy to know Adwait is the nature loving kind!!!
Hey! Arpita! nice to see you man! and thanx for the comment. Will surely read your blog. :)
Its strange that we seem to have the life that our kinda girls want....still why is it that all of us are feeling this incompleteness? a feeling that some vital thing is missing all the time! Very well written nandu!
mi sakaLpaasun 1 kavitaa shodhat hoto tula daakhawaayala .. but couldn't find it .. i read it long back and was written by Vaibhav Joshi .. i remember last line that was ..
जगायचीसुधा ह्यांना मरणाची घाई !!
good one!
But a question for u - How many people do u know who are living their ideal/wanted profession or I can say "life"?
I know only 1.. Others are struggling (others include me as well) to get it the way they want it.. You'll dream abt doing farming but will u REALLY go to a village and start farming?? I doubt that!
What say?
Nandu...well written again
today Im struggling to find a different kind of peace...One that will allow me to be happy again, to move forward ..to know that its ok to smile and look forward to things..
Peace is such an elusive concept..sometimes we don't even realise that its in our midst.
Hey JD!
Absolutely.. that is why I have put that question mark. Who does not want to earn money? One of the greatest securities? However, looking at the intensity with which Adwait and I feel that, I think after some years, will really go and settle in a village.
AWESOME! captures a lotta things!
Tu khup changli lihites.... Nice to read that.
Hi nandini, agdi majhya manache vichar..have questioned myself so many times if I really want this "degree"..for what..will it really make life simpler/better/ happier..what is it that one seeks? tujha blog vachun somehow dheer watla :)...how i wish I could give it all up without a care in the world and live a simple village life..take care!
Awesome line...
Peace is such an elusive concept..sometimes we don't even realise that its in our midst....
i think tat we need to think what is our preference....i know tat almost all of us dnt know this...but still i m saying tat the most imp question is what we want???????
whatever u need......just go for it...atleast try ur best....
u know...all ppl...and specially..phd students r very tense..coz i thnk tat they r not interested in Science alone...and moreover the blame is also on-to so..called guides ...who r just not logical most of the time...
but...then...it is we actually...who are responsible the most ...
hey guys its our life...so we only hav to decorate it...
going behind money is not a bad thing...but just decide..what u want...
if u like to sleep...do tat ..u ll feel gr8...but atleast dnt feel bad...after u sleep
if u want to see a movie...do tat...but dnt feel bad to see tat...
the crux is.. just prioritise ur thngs...and be happy...
i was same...very much frustrated wen i was doing phd at NCL...the reason was less money and bad behaviour of guide...I thgt of giving priority...as what i actually need...and i found tat the problem was the money...i was not happy to get 12k and so was not wanting to work everytime..
i decided to apply abroad...now earning lots of money and happy to spend my whole day in the lab...the phd routine is not changed...but m content now...atleast so far
same trick may not work with u...but if u cant apply outside..try to be happy the way u r ...we can feel relaxed just be looking at the sky also...rain also...
guys ...running behind anything is not bad...farming..cooking...cleaning..all r same..i suppose...
but u hav to decide..wat u want from ur life and thn...start working in tat direction...
god is always there with all of us :)
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