Notes of an inexperienced mother - Part II - That transition !

Hello !

I have to attribute the amount of time I have taken to post the second part to my procrastinating self ! :)
The title may sound a bit generic. It has a lot to do with being a mother, but also with other things. Well, following is what I wanted to say about the loose ends.
I think, I am no different than thousands of working mothers of my generation. We might differ in terms of career choices, family background etc., but there is a common thread and that is, we play multiple demanding roles at the same time and among other things, what we carry along mostly, is a feeling, that there is something that's missing !

In a nutshell, mostly , this is how it goes - one is raised in a liberal family. You can mess around till end of teens, but then you focus on studies and career. You get placed in a company or you get enrolled as a Ph.D. student in a well known lab and the reality that you are still lost is masked in the exhilaration and initial feeling of liberty. The reality kind of dawns upon you when you realize, education necessarily doesn't prep you for what's needed in the market, for survival and above all, to lead a happy life. Well, all these musings bring out the philosopher in you who ferociously blogs, tweets and shares posts on Facebook.... ;) :D
...Fast forward, you have transitioned to being a wife and consequently, a mother. As your age advances, new roles are added, priorities are reshuffled and eventually, it comes down to settlement between 3 roles - a mother, a working mother and a wife !

In my case, we relocated to my hometown when my daughter was born. There had to be a transition in my career as my daughter was too young and of course, because I had to start a fresh in a different city. I thought, it was a good opportunity for me to take some time off. I decided to take a break for some time. My logic was, I have a bandwidth of x and as a new mother, I decided to put the same amount of energy I used to put in my career, into my little one. It made perfect sense. Later, I did realize, that 2 +2 is never 4 when you are a mother.

There are two peculiar things that I noticed during that time. None of those were well covered in any of 'advice to a new mother' blogs that read. :)
1. I had little idea of how to deal with the fact that my little one is totally, I mean TOTALLY dependent on me. What I mean is, I knew the steps, but I did not how to accept it mentally. You have to get used to thinking about your child before you think about yourself and after that, learn to balance. While learning that, suddenly, there is no time to do anything else ! After 5-6 months, I had no clue how the days passed. I was a full time mother. I thought about my career rarely in-between. The fact that I did not think about my career for so many months was kind of unsettling. A certain kind of void was developing which demanded quick action. In a way, a self inflicted, high pressure situation, so early on prep would have helped.
2. There is a process of connecting with your child and it takes time ! I think, this is one of the most underrated fact and is never discussed. It is taken for granted and even I did, that as soon as a child is born, a mother is born and there is going to be sudden pouring of truckloads of mother love. No. As you train your child, you also have to train yourself to be a mother. These are technical steps, but in addition, what if you feel that I don't know my child (as in, how you know a person) !! Now, that's odd. However, it in fact is perfectly natural, I feel. One of the reasons, for Human beings to be considered as evolved is because, there is a constant assessment if what we do - we constantly try to guess what does the person you interact with, feels about you. Now, with babies who are few months old, it is not that easy. So, it is kind of one way traffic for some time and in the mean time, you have to give yourself some time till you naturally see your child as an integral part of your future.

One can easily feel guilty about the above emotions. Feeling that there is something that's missing, may not be easy to cope up with. One thing that definitely helps - sharing. Share your thoughts. Transitions may demand a lot of your energy, whether you go from being a daughter to being a  working daughter or from being a working woman to being a mother who starts her career after a short break. After all, it is a learning curve all through - an enriching one.

Notes of an inexperienced mother - Part I - What am I supposed to feel?

Strange title ! Isn't it? I wanted to share some notes/observations that I made in last two odd years, since the time I took up a new title of a 'mother' and this is part I.

What am I supposed to feel? This was the first predominant question I had on the operation table, a moment after my daughter was born. The reason to share this story is, there might be micro-minority of new mothers who go through similar situation and I want to tell them that they are not alone and it is fine if you have the same question. Just take a step back and give yourself some time.

I faced an unfortunate peculiar situation. Having lost my father early on in life, I was raised by my mother and she put in tremendous amount of effort in it. My father-in-law in a way was a father figure for me. Over years we built on our relationship and he was super-excited when he heard that I was expecting. He even came up with some nicknames. :)
Just 13 days before my daughter, Awantee was born, I learnt that he was no more. It was unbelievable. He was an intelligent, witty and a logical man - member of a rare species ! And he was really healthy ! I just could not come to the terms with the situation. I had to try really hard to control myself.

Couple of things I had to think about - how to avoid stress, so that I don't go in emergency delivery?  - I had no answer. I thought immersing myself in work will help. Second was, how was I suppose to appear when I talk to my husband? - I decided to sound practical. I thought it will balance the tone. Both the decisions were not so right ! Immersing myself in work when I could have delivered anytime was really not a good decision. I should have vented out in some manner... a mild manner.

I still did undergo an emergency c-section and that too when the 13th day rituals were going on for my late father-in-law in another city. It was just my mother who was with me in the hospital. The moment my daughter was born, I was happy for us and sorry for the situation we were in. For some strange reason, I also felt guilty. I was overwhelmed and I just sobbed a whole lot. My gynac was really sweet. She just held my hand and said, 'It's a girl ! A beautiful girl !' She had a bright smile on her face. I could hear Awantee loud and clear.
This whole mixed up set of feelings persisted for a year. I didn't feel that I can be evidently happy. Of course, we had moments of great joy, but it could have been definitely better. It takes a toll on a whole lot of things if you don't have clarity. I am sure, my father-in-law wanted me to be very happy. It was a self inflicted inhibition, which was not needed. Probably, it would have helped a lot, if I had taken a step back, given myself some time and talked openly.

Well, lesson learnt. :)

Constancy of life

Today I wake up. Feels like the day will productive. I get things done in time, drop my daughter to the day care and reach office in time. My calendar is full. I have allotted my time slots to address most of the issues my team members have. I also have managed to put a slot for some extra work that needs to be done.. so, overall, today is well planned and seems to be under control. Then, I get a phone call from my neighbor. She sounds serious. She tell me, 'Nandini, ummn.. that relative of mine passed away last night. I know you were taking efforts to find blood donors, so, thought will tell you right away.' I don't know how to react except for a loud 'What?!!'. We talk for five minutes about it, about this sudden demise of a young fellow of 30 who got married 2 years back and was diagnosed of blood cancer just a week back. She says, 'Now a days, we don't even know if  we will wake up tomorrow. Why do we try so hard and earn so much money? Everything is worthless..'

I still can't come out of the shock. The whole tone of the day changed suddenly for me. It seemed useless in a way that I was taking so much of effort planning a given day. What the hell !
Why we as average human beings, plan for our and our children's future? Why do we toil? Why do we die working and forget to live. Why all this when there is no constancy.. not even of our own lives. These and many such 'philosophical' questions cluttered my mind and as I took deep breath, I put a period. We do everything for a reason. For a cause.

Lives, put in simple terms follow one dimensional path of time at the minimum. There is a direction. We add other dimensions with our careers, goals, feelings and relationships. Even if we are alive, halting, thinking that running towards a goal is worthless as there is no constancy, will shatter us and life will be meaningless. We plan and plan, because we expect that we will be alive tomorrow and mostly, it will be true. There has to be a direction, a goal. However, for me what is challenging is to be happy about yourself in this whole exercise. To strike a balance, where at least you and the people around feel comfortable and happy when moving along the path that you etch.

Today, let me open my mind a bit more, let me be more kind and let me get some clarity (without any assumption of constancy of life). Breath deep.

Unmukta

For a new thought, a new blog.
http://unmuktajeev.blogspot.in/

Thanks,
Nandini

सहजच..

म्हणजे हल्ली इन्टरनेट वर जुने दूर-दर्शन वगैरे वरचे कार्यक्रम बघायला मिळायला लागल्या पासून हा विचार मनात येतो. बहुतांशी सगळ्यांनाच पटेल की ते सगळे जुने कार्येक्रम म्हणजे महाभारत, रामायण वगैरे आता आपल्याला किती संथ वाटतात.. तेव्हा सगळे लोक घरी असायचे.. रविवारी सकाळी चहा-पोहे आणि रामायण/महाभारत :) असा कार्येक्रम. आमच्या घरी, आई बहुतेक स्वयंपाक घरात असायची आणि मधून मधून डोकवायची. ताई, मी, आजी-आजोबा बाहेरच्या खोलीत एकाजागी खिळून.. एक तास ह्या मालिका बघायचो. तेव्हा मध्ये जाहिराती पण नव्हत्या. एकाने मारलेला बाण आणि दुसर्याने प्रत्त्युत्तर म्हणून मारलेले बाण हे आपण पाच एक मिनिटे न कंटाळता बघायचो. मालीकांसाठीच नाही, पण बाकी अनेक गोष्टींसाठी आपल्याकडे वेळ होता. आता ह्या मालिका बघताना कंटाळा येतो. अरे हे काय चाल्लय.. आपण किती वेळ हे आकाशातले बाण बघत बसणार.. असं न चुकता डोक्यात येतं. मग थोडी मजाच वाटते मला. वेळ बदलली, वेळेचं मूल्य बदललं आणि आपल्या व्याख्याही बदलल्या. लोकं असंही म्हणतात की काळाबरोबर बदलायला हवंच वगैरे वगैरे.

सगळं मान्य आहे मला. बदलत्या काळाला माझ्याकडे लगेच उत्तर नाही. पण नकळत मन त्याच जुन्या काळाकडे धाव घेत. लहानपणी सगळं कसं साधं होतं, मुखवटे नव्हते, खोट हसणं नव्हतं. घाई नव्हती, कसलं दडपण नव्हतं. हे हि खर की तेव्हा या गोष्टींचं महत्व माहिती नव्हतं. पण आता जाणवत. झालेले बदल ठळकपणे दिसतात. म्हणूनच.. जरी परत जाता येत नसलं तरी आठवणीत रमायला काय हरकत आहे ? आपण थोडासा तर वेळ नक्कीच ठेवूया त्यासाठी, जपून.

:)

Interwoven

It is in the vague scent of a flower

and in the vast blue skies

It is in the candle's soft shimmer

and the twinkling fireflies

It is in the candid laughter

and also the silence that we shared

It is in our long walks

and in the assurance to be there

It is in all those true moments

that our lives are interwoven

Lone existence seems impossible

in the world that we have chosen

:)

Traveler

He is a traveler from THAT city

and THAT is not defined

now it is this and

it will be another in a while

Please don't impose that on him..

He is not here to teach

and surely not here to preach

He says, he has similar questions

Only his path is untrodden

Let him be free, let him be

as his path goes beyond our horizon

Some call him mad

because he can not stop

and some call him obsessed

as he has to walk

He is asked, 'which is your destination?'

He says, 'I don't know..'

He might realize one day,

that his journey was his destination

and he was THE traveler of his time.

P.S. Yes. I'm good at NOT putting the correct punctuation marks.. so, please ignore any mistakes. :)

Madman

While talking to one of my friend, I remembered the following piece written by Khalil Gibran

HOW I BECAME A MADMAN


You ask me how I became a madman.  It
happened thus:  One day, long before
many gods were born, I woke from a deep
sleep and found all my masks were stolen,
--the seven masks I have fashioned and
worn in seven lives,--I ran maskless
through the crowded streets shouting,
"Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves."

Men and women laughed at me and
some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a
youth standing on a house-top cried, "He
is a madman."  I looked up to behold
him; the sun kissed my own naked face for
the first time.  For the first time the sun
kissed my own naked face and my soul was
inflamed with love for the sun, and I
wanted my masks no more.  And as if in a
trance I cried, "Blessed, blessed are the
thieves who stole my masks."

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom and
safety in my madness; the freedom of lone-
liness and the safety from being under-
stood, for those who understand us enslave
something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my
safety.  Even a Thief in a jail is safe
from another thief.

Decentralization?

Lately, it has dominated my thoughts. Especially, because I can actually hear the alarm. When I walk on the roads, when I am stuck in a traffic jam, when I am agitated because I get up in the morning and there is no water, I hear it, Loud and Clear. I grew up in Pune and now I am in Bangalore. Two cities, growing beyond imagination at a reckless speed. I guess Bangalore was the earlier victim and I see similar symptoms in Pune. I panic. I love that city. Is decentralization a solution? I wonder.

Some years back, I read an article in Hindu, I guess. The way US organized educational institutions, facilitated easy access to excellent education without the need of relocation. The farmers did not have to leave their farms to get good education. Education was brought to them. I am not saying US should be followed. But, what will happen if a farmer's son has to leave his village in Bihar and go to Patna or Kanpur or any other city? His father is either illiterate or has gone to school up to some level. He is not updated about better practices in farming as the son who had access to latest information, is not with him. His son goes to a city which is packed with people, running short of all resources, but there are well known schools a million IT parks and equivalent or more number of cars. Bigger the city, more the money, more the tension and lower the quality of life (of course, this is my view point).

Let me revisit the problem with different examples. There is a small city. Nice weather, ample water and relaxed lifestyle. The connectivity between cities is not that great and people on an average have similar lifestyles- majority being middle class (In this thought process, I am not thinking about the lower class for certain reasons). Then there is some improvement, after few years, the progress picks sudden pace and this little city is transformed. It is a metro! People pour in thousands of numbers. The original small city now can't accommodate so many people. Now, the are nearby villages, small hills are included in city as suburbs. There is a rush of builders to the newly developing areas- in new layouts, soon multistory buildings rise to sky. The water supply and waste water management is still not planned well, but there is no time. People need space to settle. People think, well, will adjust for a while. One day, there is no water. People call for the bore-well. The time passes by and one day, again, there is no water to the tap. People think, the previous bore-well was 750 ft. deep, should we go to 1000 or deeper? I face it. I stay in a suburb which supports more number of people than it can handle. People around are least bothered if water is wasted, if there are heaps of garbage around. I can see the deterioration of the unplanned suburbs. I pay rps 10,000/month to stay in a flat which is an a place that I absolutely dislike. And why do I do that? Because, it is close to my husband's and my workplace. We don't have other options. Can we track the trajectory?

Instead of flocking to Bangalore, if IT companies disperse to Belgaum and Aurangabad how would the picture change? Today, I see only old or very young people on the streets of even cities like Kochi and Aurangabad forget the villages (that's my observation again and not a statement). Where is the youth? Where is the earning class? The situation is some countries is so bad that 60% of the population comprises of aged or children. And when I know this, what am I doing? I am thinking. Not doing anything. I am waiting to finish my Ph.D because, I think then I can do something. After I get Ph.D, I will think after blah blah happens, then I can do something. Will this go on and the thoughts will just be incubated?

It might be difficult to to gauge the volume of what we will face one day. The process seems unstoppable and the aftereffects unimaginable. Can we see the problem? Can we identify the cause(s)? What should be done?

Mandar posted this on buzz http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/b5dfac22-4dd1-11df-b437-00144feab49a.html

Take a look.

Coulors of life

Source: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/03/holi_2010.html

I remember playing colours with my friends.. it is a pure form of joy! You laugh , you play.. shed the inhibitions.. for few hours, you are free.. free to be a child again

Lost and found.. or still lost?

Please note that my blogs do not follow any format.. I write as it comes my head..

I was reading Ashwin's post just now and that got me thinking.. Usually, my thought process is fast enough to make me forget the start point (or am horribly forgetful and my thought process erratic).. :p Any way, I remembered this conversation that I had with this person- about how Indians had already discovered that earth revolves around the Sun long before the heliocentric views surfaced in the modern world. He took out a fat book which had translations along with shlokas. He asked me to read this particular one, which in his view proved the point. I read it and I did not know what to say really.. My linguistic skills are terrible enough that I can not comprehend the original shloka written in Sanskit (I really feel ashamed). Thus, I read the translation. It was two pages long and vaguely conveyed his point. I did not know if the one who translated, superimposed his/ her views on the actual matter..

As I see it, the problem is at two levels- 1. hardly anyone today has a good hold on Sanskrit (am talking about mass. Adwait's Sanskrit is fantastic compared to mine). 2. As most of the literature available is not easily read in the original language, one tends to read the views of the person who translates it. For anyone who thinks logically, 2nd point strikes while reading translations. At least as far as I am concerned, I have to read the actual text it to believe that that is the matter author is trying to put forth. I can not believe just because someone told me that 'they' have found ancient Hindu texts sighting the inventions of the olden times and how they were advanced. Prove it.. show the original texts.. carry out carbon dating.. Many tend to receive my stance as 'she does not believe in our culture or something like that..' Now why will I do that? It is a simple thing that scientific proof is required. It does not take an Einstein to consider that one who knows Sanskrit can easily write what he/ she wishes. It is like, how do you know that it is not a fake Picasso?

All our texts are with Germans (how shameful is that!!) and on top of that, most of the people are educated in English who can poorly read their mother tongue.. leave apart Sanskrit. As most of the mass is of that kind (including me, though medium of my education was Marathi and I can read Marathi very well, I can't understand Sanskrit much) we are so ignorant about what was already known to ancestors.. I was reading this book on Greece and I was stunned to know that majority of the mass knows about how Greeks lived in the past, what they knew etc. It was so well preserved through the time. Now, Greece compared to India is a very small country with almost a single language of communication. I know that. We have too many languages and slowly we are losing on the knowledge of those as well..

We need to collaborate.. the people who know current science and people who have good hold on languages in which olden text was written. Western people are coming here to excavate and find how Aryan towns were planned.. why can't we do that? Rather, why don't we already know it? I really am thinking of learning Sanskrit all over again and keep it alive in my head. I don't want to read translations. Think about it. It is in our hand to preserve what's already known so that learn from our past and take it along.

:)

Action please..

After retirement, Adwait's father (my father-in-law) started to work in small factory in Aurangabad. When he came down to Bangalore for work, he stayed with us. After having lunch, we began to chat.. him, Adwait and me. Adwait said, ''I am thinking of selling my Enfield. Probably, I can buy a bike which gives better average." Adwait's father and I just fell silent. We knew how Adwait loves biking and his Royal Enfield. He can spend hours to make that bike shine. I could almost feel his pain. Adwait continued,"I will waste less petrol, by doing so. We have no right to discuss about ever increasing prices if we keep wasting things." He is right. Absolutely right. Adwait's father said, "one day, after lunch I heard two workers chatting. One said, it is so costly to educate children these days! I have to pay Rs. 4,000 this month to my daughter's school. The other said, what? Is it so costly? How will you manage? The first one replied, we will try and pull as much as we can. Otherwise, one day, along with my daughter I will.... (commit suicide)." Oh dear lord! My mind was numb.. All these days, I heard of such thing only in news and in news papers about farmers in Maharashtra. However, Adwait's father knew these workers. They worked under him everyday.. I asked, "How much are they paid every month?" He said, "Not much. four to five thousand a month." I had no idea that majority of the working class earned so little. When I began my Ph.D, I was paid 12,000 and I hardly kept a track of how I spent. I felt so ashamed..Right now, dal costs close to Rs. 100/kg. How the hell was this worker going to eat? Largely, these people will then stop eating rice which is part of their staple diet. Or they will try and eat other pulses.. This whole thing is crazy.. The main occupation of our country is 'suppose' to be farming and we import the most basic ingredients of meal. We import fruits.. what not? It has been two years since I saw indian apples in shops.. Apples are now Rs. 180/kg in Bangalore. Who can afford that? We know all the figures.. these many people can not have two meals a day.. What do we do about it?? We blame the government and every other thing we can think of, but never ourselves.
It is time for action, people. Take a moment and think. Have you gone to marriages where they arrange a buffet? Do we look at the baskets where we keep used plates? There is so much food wasted.. thrown away..
And it is not only food.. time, money, resources, intelligence.. everything. Let us think and use. Let us use wisely. Let us not waste..
I used to give reason of running short of time. Then I really sat down and thought, can't I organize things in such a way that I will still have some time to make sure that I do not waste anything? Is it really so impossible? Obviously not! Now, it is not that I am managing it all.. but, I have started. Taken a step ahead. I ask you to think.. and find ways that you can use things in a better way and try not to waste. We can make it happen.

Peace

It has been some time since I blogged. In fact, it has been six whole months! In Dec. I got married and after that time flew by managing work and the rest of life. Today, I want to slow down a bit, after working the whole weekend. Breath deep. Not get involved in filthy things that tag along with professional life.

Yesterday, I did a very unusual thing. I wrote the most harsh mail to my Ph.D guide. Of course, there was a reason. And I felt free. As if, a huge burden was off my chest. My husband (Adwait) got his MS degree certificate and we decided to have chaat and stuff at this place which is a small shop. It felt so good to get in touch with a tension free, relaxed, simple life.. Happy. I felt free. I slept off with a smile on my face.

Other day, I was talking to one of my colleague. We are close. He is like a brother. I said, Adwait was asking me the other day, when will we get time to trek up Sahyadris and stand on one the peaks, facing lashing rain. To just stand there.. to wash off all unwanted masks that we put up, wash off all the anger, restlessness.. when? To feel the peace and content. My colleague smiled and said, I am married for last three years and have been away from home and wife for more than two years. And we will get Ph.D!! Wow! We both sighed.

I was going home in a bus. It began to rain. I thought, do I feel content? Have I found my 'drive'? Why do I remember standing under a tree planted in my grandfather's garden in this small village? And when I remember that, why does it suddenly feel peaceful? Many times, I feel that my husband and I just leave everything and move to a village. Leave Ph.D and go for farming? It is really unsettling to know that you hardly know anything about yourself, what you really want. And even more troubling is the fact that, whatever you say, you will be always a bit scared about uncertainty. The worst is, feeling of being lost.

It is easier, to gather yourself and collect these moments of content. To live in the present and nurture it. Give time to yourself.

Peace.

We the book lovers..

Well, hello.. I guess you are also a book lover and LOOOOVE to read. The title of this blog is inspired from 'we the living' by Ayn Rand. It was one of her early books. I like her work.. a lot. This blog is dedicated to all those who love to read. I am a typical traditional reader.. who loves leather bound books containing pages of slight rough texture. The reason I thought of writing this lil piece is what Steve Jobs said when asked about Amazon Kindle (http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/15/the-passion-of-steve-jobs/). If it is true, it is sad. At least in India, the situation is not the same, I think. We love to read, largely. Some famous people wrote some good things about love for books (which I found on net!).. :)

All good and true book-lovers practice the pleasing and improving avocation of reading in bed....No book can be appreciated until it has been slept with and dreamed over. ~Eugene Field, Love Affairs of a Bibliomaniac (1896) (true, true..I love to read before I sleep)

To distract myself from tiresome thoughts, I have only to resort to books; they easily draw my mind to themselves and away from other things. ~Michel Montaigne

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. ~Jorge Luis Borges

I am pretty sure you have visited sites like http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page and http://manybooks.net and if not, I suggest that you visit them. I personally don't like reading books on comp. However, I guess I should work on it. I heard from this nano tech scientist that they are developing a material on which you can download a book and it will not emit lighte like the comp screens do, but it will be like a book page on which light would fall and we can read :) I am really waiting for it. Yeah.. we are moving ahead with time..

Keep reading and dreaming.. :)

Cheers!

Nandini

Our own GOOD world

It is my dream to get my neurons fired in a perfect setting. e. g. I am sitting in a french window looking upon vast greens, holding a steaming hot cup of coffee. Well, as you can guess, it doesn't really happen that way. What I am going to write is what I began thinking about when I was cleaning the vessels!! What a perfect setting! Well.. something better than nothing..

It was the time when these serial blasts happened in number of cities in India. In my opinion, there are two ways to look at the situation. You can suggest the third one, if any. One being macroscopic and other being microscopic way. I started with the later. Let me think about what happened to me. If I sit down and try to make a list of people whom I hate, how long does my list go? Hmmn... OK. I thought about my childhood, adolescence and past few years. Whom do I hate? I did not know that this was such a difficult question. It does not mean that my life has been rosy pink. I have had unusual childhood when compared to an average maharashtrian kid from city. I have had bitter experiences. But, the question is, do I hate the people associated with such experiences? Notice the word associated. What I mean by that is, if I had a bad experience in my childhood for which I thought person X was responsible at that point of time, in retrospection, largely, I found those people to behave in that way given the circumstances that were there and the kind of thinking they show. And as a result, I tend to erase the label 'bitter' and just catalogue it as 'an' experience in my brain. The hidden meaning of the dialogue (or monologue) above is that every person is good. This can be more evident in the 'networked' world. Let us take an example of Orkut. Strange as it may sound, it is true. I did an experiment. In my post graduate class, there were certain people who sort of troubled me (knowingly or unknowingly). As a result, I kept away from them as much as possible. The image that I had in my mind of them was obviously murky. This troubled me a bit for some reason. What I did was I visited their Orkut page and read the testimonials that other people had written. Apparently, to those who had written testimonials, these people were real good human beings. That struck me as a bolt of light. Wow! it was a discovery (or reinvention of things that someone has already said somewhere).. really there was no reason for me to dislike anyone. Trust me, it is a fantastic feeling! One often takes hatred and dislike as normal reactions and gets used to their expression. What we forget is that we just don't express, but also carry an impression of it in our mind which is a mighty heavy load. After shaking that off, I really felt light and refreshed. And something very important is that if I want to make a list of people who have been really good to me, it will be a LOOOOOOONG one (that includes people from many religions).

Now let me turn to the macroscopic view, where I am just a dot in the picture. Obviously, there is lot of pain, agony, hatred. We can say that unless one goes through the situation that these blast or terrorism victims did, it is easy to blabber about liking everyone around, peace, love and blah blah. I know that. And I agree that what happened and is happening is hurting, leaving scars. But, is revenge always the way? I can not say. What I want to say is, let us start at the grass root level. From self. Me liking (or at least, not hating) x number of people is going to have an exponential effect. Forgive and forget is really possible. Small small things one day reflect in one huge thing.

I see a good chance that if one thinks and decides, it is possible to make it happen. I am positive and have a lot of hope in the fact in near future, everyone will feel that it is 'our own good world' that we live in.

Cheers!

Nandini

Phir Dekhiye..

Love this song.. well composed n sung :)
Song Title: Phir Dekhiye
Movie Title: Rock On

Aankhon Mein Jis Ke Koi To Khwab Hai
Khush Tha Wahin Jo Thoda Betaab Hai
Zindagi Mein Koi Arzoo Kijiye
Phir Dekhiye ……

Hoton Pe Jis Ke Koi To Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi To Us Ki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gun Guna Lijiye
Phir Dekhiye…….

Yaadon Mein Jis Ke Kisi Ka Naam Hai
Sapno Ke Jaise Us Ki Har Sham Hai
Koi To Aaj Se Apna Dil Dijiye
Phir Dekhiye…..

Khwab Buun Yeh Zara Geet Sun Yeh Zara
Phool Chun Yeh Zara
Phir Dekhiye….

:)

Dance like no one is watching.. :)

Instead of giving URL, I thought pasting the page contents is a better idea..



We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are.

After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

If not now ... when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza ...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one ...

So stop waiting until you finish school ... until you go back to school ... until you lose ten pounds ... until you gain ten pounds ... until you have kids ... until your kids leave the house ... until you start work ... until you retire ... until you get married ... until you get divorced ... until Friday night ... until Sunday morning ... until you get a new car or home ... until your car or home is paid off ... until spring, until summer ... until fall ... until winter ... until you are off welfare ... until the first or fifteenth ... until your song comes on ... until you've had a drink ... until you've sobered up ... until you die ... until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy ...

Happiness is a journey ... not a destination!!

Thought for the day:

"Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching."

I saw this posted on Steve Jobs' blog and I liked it.
:)

On THE rainy morning..

Rains were lashing the black tar road that went winding behind the tall lush green trees. Rain drops seemed to bounce off at least a foot high. It made a rhythmic loud sound which intermingled with the whoosh of wind that I though could uproot our tent and send flying back to city! I peeped outside to get a broader view of how spectacular nature looked. The bonfire seemed to have fallen off to sleep in ash and unburnt wood. I liked the smell of it. Up in the canopy, I saw monkeys sitting on a branch. They were drenched. I turned my head to see birds perching patiently, waiting for the rains to stop. The tiny bright wild flowers made the whole scene so picturesque that I wanted to carry that moment back with me! I held hot mug of coffee in my hand and listened to rain. Even in that loud background, everything inside was so calm.. at peace. This noise didn’t bother me like the city traffic. It had the same soothing effect of sound of ocean waves.

After a while, the rains stopped and we decided to take out our jeep in go in the forest. That must be around 7.30 in the morning. In a few minutes we left the main tar road and went deep into the forest. Everything around looked so full of life and verdant! We had the buzz of bees and animal calls as an intermittent interruption to the thick silence around. Suddenly, we all were alert! We heard alarm calls of monkeys from somewhere near by. My heart was pounding.. we were in for a treat! No one spoke a word.. the only expression that everyone had was overwhelming anticipation of which great carnivore were we going to sight? Will we see a tiger? No.. but they were not so common in that forest. But who knows? We might.. or is it leopard? Oh my god! Will it be? It is so difficult to spot one..Will we see the kill? My heart beats were going louder and monkeys were almost shrieking now! We stopped at a little clearing and we were looking in the direction of alarm calls. We must be very close to the predator. Our eyes were searching for that one sight which would stay alive in our minds for ever. Minutes passed, but no luck. Alarm calls were still loud. We got a little disturbed.. we didn’t even manage to spot where the mysterious predator was. My friend sighed and took off her cap. He turned to keep it in the jeep and I suddenly felt her grip tighten on my shoulder. I almost skipped a heart beat. Now was the moment! The predator that we were searching for all this while was sitting with the kill on the branch of a tree around 35 feet behind us. It was a HUGE male leopard. It looked in our eyes and jumped off the branch to disappear in the jungle. We stood there for several minutes spellbound! Man! We saw a leopard! And that too in a situation where he looked at us so closely much longer than we did! We sat in the jeep to head back to the tent and every one was going, ‘oh my god!!’ I am sure the leopard had a smirk on his face seeing that.

It is time..

Empty nights and hollow days,

I look at the rose that once you gave

It sleeps in the book that I then read

Petals now look transparent, but the pages red

It was past and it is past

But there is so much of us in it, how do we deny?

We went full circle and have come face to face

I say No! And run away

What am I scared of?

I do not know

Is it the possibility of failure?

And the pain that I can’t hold.

On the floor so cold awake I lay

Wondering why I didn’t finish putting

Tiles on the wall that we left half way

How do I finish the part that you drew?

Now almost all tiles are in place but a few

Probably now I know what not to hold

It’s time I let myself fly

and the waters flow

What could be the title for this post???

I was watching a video on TED.com on rethinking music videos which set me thinking…Jakob presents one of his creations, moonlight glory. Take a look at it. What do you think?

I thought I should take a closer look at ‘expression of music’ in my head. I closed my eyes (that seems to be the first step for me!!). Music started.. I am still in my room.. I am mentally very aware of where I sit and what is around. Then it slowly fades… I am listening to music intently… I love guitar.. beats are good.. very pleasant tune.. I am smiling. Ok…. Now I am at this resort I went to 2 years back.. at the Singara foot hills. It’s a star studded night sky. There is this strong wet wood’s smell in the air. I am sitting by bonfire in a recliner.. gazing stars… I feel so relaxed… Music stops. I take a little while to come back to my room mentally.

What happened? Music had this inherent mood. The moment I connect with it, I associate a visual impression that I vividly remember and which identifies with the mood. This is what happened with this music piece.. But there were times when I visualize places that I have never been to or even at times, don’t visualize anything but a few abstracts.

Then I close my eyes again. I go back to the same resort.. star studded sky… which is this music going on in the background? It is the music piece which listened to when I was actually there..not the one I listened to a few minutes back.

In a way this was not an unexpected outcome for me. I am more of a visual impession person than an audio impression one! The reverse synthesis of music doesn’t work for me! Are these two processes interconnected necessarily? Hmmnn…I remember sitting in my garden back home and I just had music notes in my head… no visual impressions..music emerged like a fountain from somewhere unknown Well, I used to compose music… a few years back.

I am a little surprised at how my brain works knowing how much I like music , drawing, painting or visuals in any form! Or am I taking wrong parameters into consideration? Hee hee…

Cheers to the colorful musical world that we share!